I can't remember the stimulus, and without knowing what the stimulus is, I can't solve it. It was the same for the cutting issue, can't remember why I started, can't comprehend how to stop.
I know I'm too self-centered, just by counting the number of 'I's used, I know I should start looking to God, looking to His love, realizing His sacrifice afresh, know His name afresh. But sometimes, it's just so Goddamn hard.
Just sitting here in the studio, and hating the ability to be 'opposite' in me. Listening to worship music ought to make me happy, ought to make me thankful, ought to remind me of how much You have given me and are to give me. But fuck, it's making me sad, it's making me think, it's making me cry, because I don't feel that, I can't see myself as the child I ought to be, I can't feel You and I want that feeling. I want to know You, I want to be that happy child, I want to be that person who trusts her cares to You, but each time I go church, all I see are my inadequacies, are how I simply can't be that person I want to be, and it hurts like fuck.
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